From Here to Eternity - Women - Part Two

-          The non-Muslim complains that women’s flirtations will be minimized, or non-existent or she will never be able to leave her husband for another man, if he is abusing her. This is very absurd on the surface, but if studied more in depth reveals unfounded criticism of Islam’s treatment of women…. How so?

Well, it suggests that men and women only marry to abuse or hate one another. In fact, the opposite is more than certain the reality. Men and women, in the short engagement period that precedes the marriage, usually find that they enjoy each other’s company, and find each other attractive. If the engagement lasts as long as one year, what is often the case these days, there is ample opportunity for either party to a marriage to quit because of “cold feet”. I’ve heard this happen more than once, in our circles of friends and acquaintances. In this situation, no harm is no foul.

Non-Muslims inevitably return to the scripted story of “unrequited love” which is an old idea (not necessarily only a Western one).There is a touch of the amoral, unknown danger, an evil villain, or conflict and the climax, or a resolution, such as the poor girl finding love and then tragically dying (suicide, or consumption are good for a tragic ending). Think Romeo and Juliette, or King Lear’s daughter, who though loving her father to death, literally, her love for her father is unrequited; one of those situations known in psychology which means she will never be able to love another man, or have a happy marriage. Contrast this to Islam, which honors the father daughter relationship, which requires men to treat their children whether male of female with equality. This means not favoring one child over another with more attention or material things.

 Non-Muslims often will discuss love and marriage of Muslims as something which must be against all social norms seen in other cultures. Much the way they see the relationship between fathers and daughters in Islamic or Middle Eastern or Asian cultures. Like their saying, “Muslim women are forced to marry someone they don’t want”.  I remember a program on television, which delved into the subject of Muslims’ marriages, including some insight into how Muslims go about finding someone to love. One man’s story told how he used to watch a woman (who would be completely covered in her Islamic dress) every day on her way to work, or school for six months. Even though he couldn’t see her, he might perhaps have known something about her or her family. Eventually, they did start some kind of conversation. This is obviously not going to be a typical story, in that it is often the family who encourage and arrange meetings between men and women seeking a marriage partner. In this case, though I don’t remember well, I think the man, and even maybe the woman were both mature, at an age where they should already have at least been seriously occupied with the task of who to marry. Rightly or wrongly, there are many ways for couples to meet and decide on marriage. The correct Islamic boundaries are well known, that men and women are never to be alone, for example. This is why even couples who are perhaps not so serious about Islam will at least put up a façade of socially acceptable behavior in public.

I discussed in Part One how previously married women have more right to conduct their own affairs. Even Saudi Arabia recognizes that mature women have more right over their own person, which is why the government has no qualms about giving women over fifty visas for entry to perform their religious duties, such as greater or lesser pilgrimage, or allowing them to travel without Mahram men.  Instead these women travel in groups of other women, to perform their Hajj or Umrah. The government still retains a sense of “parental protection” over all Muslim women, but believes that chances are that nothing untoward or even dangerous is likely to happen when many women are travelling in a group. These women generally will be past the usual age for marriage or sexual exploitation.

Also, women are permitted by Islam to reside in their own homes, if they own a home, or a domicile, whether someone or herself is paying the expense for her. Newly divorced women must wait three periods before they can return to their father’s home, or should be allowed to remain in their husbands’ home so as to determine if she is with child, or not. This is the case of women who are divorced with a chance for reconciliation. If the divorce is a final or third divorce, then the divorce is of the irrevocable type, and she can do as she wishes, either returning to her father, or in her own place. The treatment to women should in any case be kind, as mentioned in the Qur’an, because they have at one time been a married couple sharing the same bed. It becomes the duty of her male relatives to provide for her, if she has no husband.

In practice, many women do travel alone, and even some girls travel alone to other countries, but with friends, or to their relatives in another country. Some travel for school to European cities, or America or Canadian Universities, etc. Women who have studied are not afraid of anything, or meeting any challenge. They are completely free, in terms of life choices, and even in many Muslim majority countries, they are often times socially liberal. But this is none to do with Islam. Yes, Islam does encourage women’s education, just as it encourages men’s education. Islam does encourage women’s freedom as much as it encourages men’s freedom, but there are differences. Some Muslim women exert a lot of influence in their societies, which is much like what life was in pre-Islamic Arabian culture.

Just as the Qur’an stipulates who men and women can marry, it also stipulates, when, how and why. In other areas, such as education, Muslim women don’t feel anymore that they can’t study science or medicine. They are much like Western women in terms of their goals and aspirations. And many non-Muslim women might secretly envy Muslim women for the rights that they do have in Islam. Islam never sanctioned bad treatment of women. There is sufficient proof of this in the Qur’an and Islamic traditions.
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Quran,] 2:235]

“There is no blame upon you for that which you] indirectly] allude concerning a proposal to women or for what you conceal within yourselves. Allah knows that you will have them in mind. But do not promise them secretly except for saying a proper saying.”

Quran,] 2:236]

“There is no blame upon you if you divorce women you have not touched or specified for them an obligation] dowry]”

Qur’an,] 2:237]

”And if you divorce them before you have touched them and you have already specified for them an obligation, then give half of what you specified – unless they forego the right or the one in whose hand is the marriage contract forgoes it. And to forego it is nearer to righteousness. And do not forget graciousness between you. Indeed Allah, of whatever you do, is Seeing.”